The universe has been brewing just the right ingredients to have me simmer on the journey of healing. Right now, I’m surprisingly content with this answer.
Healing is not a destination with a path leading somewhere.
Healing is … to be … in me.
Yes. That sounds and feels right for me, for right now.
I have been on a hunt for just the right healing. Healing that did not require me to change my belief systems about the universe. Healing that is culturally relevant to me, a multi-racial human that is not represented by a singular identity. Healing that would support me in being a “better” anti-racist leader and facilitator of building a collective of brave, anti-racist leaders. Healing that is built on previous healings. I could probably continue on about chasing this very unique and specific healing that would work for me.
I was also motivated by people naming me a healer. I felt that title needed to be earned through a process in which another, more experienced healer confirmed my credibility. Or that I spent enough time dedicated to honing this craft or I was not worthy of the title. Not to say this thinking is or has been correct, I know it is flawed, and yet somehow I cannot accept it as it stands right now. Either way, it has also fueled this desire in me to learn more about healing modalities and what people do for healing.
See, I have found healing in so many ways at my current place in life, which is the age of 40. Sometimes this was signing up for intentional healing, others it was really being at the back end of major shifts in my life, and most often it was through relationships.
What I had begun to question was if I really ever healed about things that were resurfacing in my life as challenges. For example, my health. I cannot even express the various times in my life that I’ve been able to clue in that my failure to care for my physical health was due to a negative relationship I had with myself. I have identified multiple times in my life in which this self-hatred had been formulated. I have collected and analyzed these stories. I even comforted the little girl in me that had been chasing these ridiculous socialized norms of beauty and thought I had come to accept and believe that I am worthy, enough, beautiful, and deserving to care for this body to not only survive but thrive. This healing would motivate me many times in my life to momentarily succeed in improving my physical health.
Yet, why after determining the root of the problem, and providing a healing solution that was centered within my own power, meaning I know that I am capable and the solution for it, do I still struggle to care for my health and wellness?
As I mentioned, the universe has been continuously bringing this conversation forward to me. So I definitely want to acknowledge those around me that have entered into this philosophical and spiritual question with me. This has been a result of you sharing your stalls, questioning, participation, beliefs, and experience around healing. Because of your sharing with me, I believe this is our collective learning that may impact those that are grappling with the same question. So to the audience, just know, what I’m sharing has been reflected to me by multiple individuals and interactions. There has been a trend. Adults that intentionally healed trauma and wounds have been experiencing symptoms of these very traumas and wounds, even with intentional growth in healing practices and therapies.
So back to my current realization on this matter, healing is to be in me.
What does that mean? That means that when I remove the analyzing - the asking of what I’ve done, where am I now, was it enough, where did I go wrong, and on and on and on. When I’m present to myself, my body, my current state, not my past self, but the self that does believe in my purpose, love, light, worthiness, beauty, and value… I am healed. I am healing. By being with me.
There will be times in which I am not in this mindful state when I’m living in my past body and diminished self, and so there will be times that I will act out from that hurt and pain. I do not believe that takes away the healing that I’ve been through. I do believe it is an invitation to return to my highest self. That returning is a continuation of healing and can be a new iteration of it. There can be new things that surface from past hurts that I may have never tended to. Hurts, traumas, and intentional dehumanization are covered up by layers of the same behaviors, activities, and relationships that are deeper than maybe our initial healing was able to reach. After pealing some of those layers, we’ve exposed something new. I believe we are actually more equipped to heal this new layer if we do not allow ourselves to forget our healed self and the power he or she or they have.
I may have lost you. Some of you may be wondering, “What does this have to do with Middle Waters?” The truth is, some people may just need to know others are grappling with the same question or experience. This doesn’t have to make sense to all of you. My grammatical errors alone may be too confusing.
The connection to Middle Waters, is our vision, which is Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC), strong in mind, spirit and love, will heal our bodies, feed our souls; and in our authenticity, light up this earth and lead our people towards vitality (peace and freedom). Gratefully, for many of my BIPOC sisters and brothers, we are centering our healing. Healing is necessary for sustaining our collective work, community care, and well future generations. We must share our experiences with healing, including the down cycle of returning into the darkness and how we get back out. I just want to share, that to is progress. That to is continued healing and we must continue to tend to our healing and NOT STOP.
I love the saying - healed people, heal people. We all need healing from racism, and some of us need it more than others. Healing does not come in a set way for all, each of us can turn inside ourselves and be with ourselves to find the unique healing we need. This act - TO BE - IN ME - can guide us for continued healing and rejuvenation. The source is within you, not external. External guides and guidance are there to help and provide practices, but they may not always work if you are not present to the you inside of you. Can you work on the relationship you have with yourself?
Talk about abstract woo-woo. That isn’t my usual vibe, but there it is. An aha moment for me and one I hope can provide some comfort to some of you, hopefully, the ones who need it most.